Hi my name is Brittany and I am a recovering perfectionist. I thought I had to be perfect in order to be loved and valued. I thought everyone was watching me and would only love me if I did everything right and was always happy. I tried as hard as I could but of course I could never attain perfection. I thought love was conditional and at any moment my family and friends would decide I wasn’t worthy of love and I would be the one to blame.
I was really good at hiding this. I worked my butt off to be as perfect as possible. I didn’t get into trouble in my teen years, I got straight A’s and I was an extreme people pleaser. I got my worth from my report cards and praise. It wasn’t until I got married and my husband got to know me on a deeper level than anyone else ever had that I couldn’t hide that part of me anymore.
Wedding Day. June 22, 2007
It manifested itself when there was contention between us. I didn’t trust his love for me. I was constantly worried he would take it away if he was ever displeased with me. When we would get in an argument it would sink me. I would take everything he said as proof that I truly was unlovable. Not only would I be upset about what we argued about but I would also be mad at myself for messing things up and causing grief and contention.
Now keep in mind that I had no idea this wasn’t normal. I thought everyone felt this way. I thought that this was just how life was. We had so many good times where I felt truly happy. It was only when things were bad that I would sink. I would be grumpy for a week beating myself up about how stupid I was. I would blame myself. It wasn’t until I went to counseling that I learned that this wasn’t “normal” and I started uncovering what my core issues were.
I discovered just how much of a people pleaser I was and how extreme my need for perfection was. I uncovered all of my baggage from my life that led me to believe I was unlovable. Most importantly, I learned that my brain was a muscle and just like I could train my body to be healthy I could train my brain to be as well. That was life changing. I got tools to fight off the doubt I had in myself. I learned positive affirmations, I learned self-compassion and I learned that I had value regardless of anything I did.
Journaling my feelings became important to me. I remember one night I journaled all the things that didn’t affect my worth. Things like: how clean my house was, how beautiful I was, how good of a wife I was, how many children I had or the type of adults my children grow up to be, etc. I grew up with strong faith in God and the biggest thing for me that night was to realize that even if I didn’t keep God’s commandments I was still worthy of love. God would love me regardless. I was His daughter and I had value. There was nothing I could or could not do to change my worth. I was born with it and it was unalterable. LIFE CHANGING MOMENT.
As I continued to work with a therapist I also continued to read books and listen to podcasts that taught me important skills. Self-compassion became a huge part of my life. I learned to be kind to myself and allow myself to be human. I am not capable of perfection. NO ONE IS. Being imperfect means I am human. Now, when I don’t reach my idea of perfection I cut myself some slack, remind myself that I am still awesome and I am worthy of love.
I wish I could adequately describe how much this freed my soul. All of the energy I was putting into beating myself up and trying to be perfect was free to go into other areas of my life. I stopped doubting myself and I started believing in myself. Not that I was better than anyone else but that I had value just the way I was. Things changed. Life changed. I started living a fuller life. I started enjoying my life. I accepted my short comings as part of my human nature and moved on without dwelling on them. I saw my strengthens and my weaknesses and embraced them.
At the same time this was happening I had an experience where God told me to get outside and play more. I felt like He was reminding me I only have one life and I needed to live it. I listened. I started doing things I loved more. I stopped telling myself no and making up excuses of why I shouldn’t do things for me. Doing things I loved made me feel alive. It helped me be present and live mindfully. I really started thriving at life.
Red Reef Hike 2019
My family benefited from this. Because I was more awake and present I had more of me to give. My yelling decreased and my patience increased. I was kind to myself and it was rubbing off on my family.
It goes without saying but I’m going to say it anyway, I’m not perfect at this. There are days when the positive self-talk exhausts me and I let the grumpiness take over. But never for long. I have the tools and I know what to do that will help me.
My goal with Get Out There Girl is to help other women live their best life through what I call the three pillars. 1- Self-compassion 2- Adventure 3- Connecting with others. Each of these three areas play a key role in living life to the fullest. Follow along as I show you how.
One night when my fourth baby was still not sleeping through the night I got irritable. I expressed my frustrations to my husband listing out all the things I HAD to do because I was a mom and had no choice.
Now let me pause and tell you about my husband for a second. My husband is more rational than emotional. Like 97% rational and 3% emotional. He is such a good husband and human. He balances out my 97% emotional and 3% rational.
That night he looked at me and said, “Brittany, stop playing the martyr.”
I was shocked and hurt and honestly pissed off. Here I was sacrificing myself for the family we created and he was calling me a martyr! After I cooled off I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind. Was I a martyr? Were there things I was “sacrificing” that weren’t completely necessary? After taking an honest look at myself I discovered that Ben was in part right. There were things I was taking upon myself because I thought I had to in order to be a good mom. Things that if I was being honest would be fine without my “sacrifice”.
After this realization I stopped using the mom excuse as often. Sure I still use it because being a mom means putting other people first. But now when I can, I do something for myself. I let my husband pick up my slack or I let it go undone. No more martyr Brittany. I choose to stay at home and be my children’s care giver and I’ve also chosen to stop using excuses to put myself last.
This doesn’t mean that I am the first to sit down and eat dinner while my kids fend for themselves. What it does mean is that I make sure I also eat dinner at the table like everyone else. I deserve to live my life fully and not just watch my family live theirs.
The past two years of living my life fully has been amazing. I am no longer a martyr. When an opportunity to do something for myself comes up I take an honest look at my life and my situation and if I can pull it off I do it! I am happier and more willing to do things for my family because I trust that my needs will also get met. I have more of me to give because I am investing in myself.
A martyr is a person who is killed because of their beliefs. Don’t let motherhood be your martyrdom. Don’t forget who you are because you are a mom.
Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. Live your life. I promise it’s better when you do.
Before I write even one sentence I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that this is a judgment free post. As I write about why I choose to stay home that does not mean I am judging women who do not choose to stay at home. I also acknowledge the fact of how blessed I am to even have the choice of whether I want to work or stay home. I am writing this blog post because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. Actually constantly. As I see society embracing working moms and encouraging women to get outside the home and chase their dreams I wanted to point out that for some moms like myself staying home is the dream.
Confession, as I see women find success outside the home and receive praise the pride in me desires it. You see I didn’t think I was good at a lot of things when I was a teenager. However, there was one thing I knew I was good at and that was getting straight A’s. When I was in college I received a full ride scholarship based on my grades that was contingent on me keeping my grades up. I did the entire four years. Once I graduated, got married and started having kids I noticed I didn’t have that extrinsic recognition I had always based a lot of my self worth on. I craved it and when I didn’t have a report card coming or a promotion to apply for I felt empty and depressed. Being a mom is not a job that is praised enough. Kids have no idea how much it takes to keep them alive and happy and they certainly don’t thank you for everything. It really is a thankless job at times. Fortunately, I noticed this and was able to work on my self worth internally. I learned that I have value regardless of outside reports or praise. However, even with knowing my value it doesn’t mean that I don’t need some reassurances that I am not a total failure at motherhood.
With all of these thoughts roaming around my head I have found myself wondering if working outside the home is something that I want and if I even have what it takes to have a successful career? I’ve decided that I do have what it takes. I don’t stay home with kids because I’m not capable or qualified to do anything else. On the contrary I actually think I could go far. I like control, I know how to work hard and get things done and I’m great at bossing people around. Haha However, my dream job is at home, being a mother. Which I must say capitalizes on those strengths I just listed. Even on hard days when I’m pulling out my hair and need to get out of the house for a bit because my kids are driving me nuts I still don’t want to go back to work. It’s on those days in particular, after I get my break, that I come home and know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be and there is nowhere else I’d rather be. I truly love being at home. Life is not a fairy tale at the Crane house. We struggle but still I choose it. It is still my dream.
Celebrating my 34th birthday with my favorite food: Donuts!
My career goal has always been to be a mother and more particularly to be a stay at home mom. I’ve been blessed with a husband who supports that goal and even when we were struggling financially we cut our spending way back and went without a lot of things so I could continue to stay home. Right after we graduated college we moved to Washington D.C. Ben got a job working for the Census Bureau and I was 8 months pregnant. Because we were fresh out of college and his position was entry level we were broke. We ended up living in a tiny one bedroom government subsidized apartment right on the line of where hood met freeway. We had one car, which when someone hit us we decided to get a junk yard door replacement (that wasn’t even the same color) and use the insurance money to buy a computer that we needed. Talk about ghetto. Ben’s commute started with a bike ride followed by something people in D.C termed “slugging” (think organized hitchhiking). It finished with a train ride and a walk and it was over an hour each way. We lived further away because that is where housing was cheaper. I bought minimal groceries from a grocery store known to be as cheap as possible and I stopped dying my hair. Crazy I know! haha We cut corners every where we could.
All this is to paint a picture of how cheap we were living. This continued for years. I remember several of his co-workers commenting on how lucky we were that I could stay home. His boss in particular. She was a high level government employee who her income was her family’s second. She lived in a large house and had a very comfortable lifestyle. She commented on several occasions on how LUCKY I was to stay home with my kids. We had two by this point. While I didn’t take offense to that (because I truly feel blessed to stay home) I also wanted to explain that it was a choice. My husband and I chose to have me stay home with the kids and live on one paycheck. We went without a lot of things during that time because we were living so lean. I don’t regret it for one second.
Like I mentioned earlier I’ve been noticing a trend lately. A good trend. Working women who create names for themselves are being praised in society. I applaud that. I also want to applaud women who choose to stay home. It’s not an easy choice and many of them do it despite the encouragement from the world to build a career and despite the praise they are missing out on. I see now how it goes both ways. Working moms sometimes feel guilty for having a career away from home and stay at home moms often feel like they are missing out on a career. We need to cut ourselves some slack, acknowledge that we all have different circumstances, and support one another whatever we choose.
I feel like my post would be incomplete without also mentioning the women who had the dream of staying home but due to circumstances have to work. You are brave and strong and selfless. Once again you put your family’s needs above your own. I hope you are still chasing your dreams even if your dreams had to shift.
Whether you choose a career, staying at home, or are forced to work, I hope you follow your dreams. The world needs more women who follow their dreams. I love, support, and salute you. I am so grateful to be in this world together.
So which is your dream: Career or staying at home? Tell me in the comments.
Before I write even one sentence I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that this is a judgment free post. As I write about why I choose to stay home that does not mean I am judging women who do not choose to stay at home. I also acknowledge the fact of how blessed I am to even have the choice of whether I want to work or stay home. I am writing this blog post because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. Actually constantly. As I see society embracing working moms and encouraging women to get outside the home and chase their dreams I wanted to point out that for some moms like myself staying home is the dream.
Confession, as I see women find success outside the home and receive praise the pride in me desires it. You see I didn’t think I was good at a lot of things when I was a teenager. However, there was one thing I knew I was good at and that was getting straight A’s. When I was in college I received a full ride scholarship based on my grades that was contingent on me keeping my grades up. I did the entire four years. Once I graduated, got married and started having kids I noticed I didn’t have that extrinsic recognition I had always based a lot of my self worth on. I craved it and when I didn’t have a report card coming or a promotion to apply for I felt empty and depressed. Being a mom is not a job that is praised enough. Kids have no idea how much it takes to keep them alive and happy and they certainly don’t thank you for everything. It really is a thankless job at times. Fortunately, I noticed this and was able to work on my self worth internally. I learned that I have value regardless of outside reports or praise. However, even with knowing my value it doesn’t mean that I don’t need some reassurances that I am not a total failure at motherhood.
With all of these thoughts roaming around my head I have found myself wondering if working outside the home is something that I want and if I even have what it takes to have a successful career? I’ve decided that I do have what it takes. I don’t stay home with kids because I’m not capable or qualified to do anything else. On the contrary I actually think I could go far. I like control, I know how to work hard and get things done and I’m great at bossing people around. Haha However, my dream job is at home, being a mother. Which I must say capitalizes on those strengths I just listed. Even on hard days when I’m pulling out my hair and need to get out of the house for a bit because my kids are driving me nuts I still don’t want to go back to work. It’s on those days in particular, after I get my break, that I come home and know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be and there is nowhere else I’d rather be. I truly love being at home. Life is not a fairy tale at the Crane house. We struggle but still I choose it. It is still my dream.
Celebrating my 34th birthday with my favorite food: Donuts!
My career goal has always been to be a mother and more particularly to be a stay at home mom. I’ve been blessed with a husband who supports that goal and even when we were struggling financially we cut our spending way back and went without a lot of things so I could continue to stay home. Right after we graduated college we moved to Washington D.C. Ben got a job working for the Census Bureau and I was 8 months pregnant. Because we were fresh out of college and his position was entry level we were broke. We ended up living in a tiny one bedroom government subsidized apartment right on the line of where hood met freeway. We had one car, which when someone hit us we decided to get a junk yard door replacement (that wasn’t even the same color) and use the insurance money to buy a computer that we needed. Talk about ghetto. Ben’s commute started with a bike ride followed by something people in D.C termed “slugging” (think organized hitchhiking). It finished with a train ride and a walk and it was over an hour each way. We lived further away because that is where housing was cheaper. I bought minimal groceries from a grocery store known to be as cheap as possible and I stopped dying my hair. Crazy I know! haha We cut corners every where we could.
All this is to paint a picture of how cheap we were living. This continued for years. I remember several of his co-workers commenting on how lucky we were that I could stay home. His boss in particular. She was a high level government employee who her income was her family’s second. She lived in a large house and had a very comfortable lifestyle. She commented on several occasions on how LUCKY I was to stay home with my kids. We had two by this point. While I didn’t take offense to that (because I truly feel blessed to stay home) I also wanted to explain that it was a choice. My husband and I chose to have me stay home with the kids and live on one paycheck. We went without a lot of things during that time because we were living so lean. I don’t regret it for one second.
Like I mentioned earlier I’ve been noticing a trend lately. A good trend. Working women who create names for themselves are being praised in society. I applaud that. I also want to applaud women who choose to stay home. It’s not an easy choice and many of them do it despite the encouragement from the world to build a career and despite the praise they are missing out on. I see now how it goes both ways. Working moms sometimes feel guilty for having a career away from home and stay at home moms often feel like they are missing out on a career. We need to cut ourselves some slack, acknowledge that we all have different circumstances, and support one another whatever we choose.
I feel like my post would be incomplete without also mentioning the women who had the dream of staying home but due to circumstances have to work. You are brave and strong and selfless. Once again you put your family’s needs above your own. I hope you are still chasing your dreams even if your dreams had to shift.
Whether you choose a career, staying at home, or are forced to work, I hope you follow your dreams. The world needs more women who follow their dreams. I love, support, and salute you. I am so grateful to be in this world together.
So which is your dream: Career or staying at home? Tell me in the comments.
